Damn! It seems like everyone these days is coming for former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger’s role in the West End revival of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Sunset Boulevard. Earlier this week, Billy Porter made it known that he would actually like to take over the role of Norma Desmond — which is something I didn’t realize I needed in my life until that very moment. Hopefully we will at least be #blessed with his rendition of “As If We Never Said Goodbye.”
Less enticing, however, is the prospect of even a national touring production starring Roseanne Barr, who donned a Desmond-esque turban during a recent jaunt to Mar-a-lago and, after praising the DJ-ing skills of one D.J. Trump, launched into a bizarre monologue about how dropping out of high school is a great idea and, of course, how Democrats eat babies.
Enjoy?
“Hey Earl Roe [???], how are you doing?” she asked. “I’m here at Mar-a-lago supporting Kari Lake and it was a fantastic evening and our Trump is here, being the DJ and I’ve just danced and everyone’s amazed.”
I’m certain they were!
“So I’m just going to say to you, please drop out of college, because it’s going to ruin your lllllliiives,” Barr slurred, holding up a glass white wine to go with her white whine. “Do me a favor, drop out, they don’t teach you nothing good, uh, email me or Twitter me or whatever you call me, and I’ll help you with your life, but you gotta get out of college, because it isn’t nothing but a bunch of devil-worshipping, baby blood-drinking, Democrat donors. Love ya!”
So … not my personal college experience, but okay!
Now, Barr has actually been on the “People are drinking baby blood!” train for far longer that most of her QAnon cohorts, which is why I kind of laugh a little when people say “Roseanne gone’s full QAnon!” Like, she was hanging around with Cathy O’Brien — this one lady who claims to have been part of a secret CIA experiment to create brainwashed sex slaves (Project Monarch!), and I guess she was the sex slave of Hologram Lizard George H.W. Bush or something? — way, way back in the day, and also quite famously falsely accused her parents of sexual abuse based on recovered memories.
Still, I really have to wonder about what makes people think baby blood is such an appealing thing to drink. Like, I don’t even like Bloody Marys because I can’t handle a textured drink (also why I can’t handle soy milk), I have to be distracted by puppets so the doctor can check my blood to see if I’m anemic again, and I’m supposed to be drinking baby’s blood? Really? I don’t think so. I would never accuse people of drinking baby’s blood, because I think that would be gross and not like a thing anyone would especially enjoy. Just like how I would never accuse someone of operating a Monkey Torture Ring, as it would never occur to me that anyone would enjoy putting a live monkey in a blender — though, as it turns out, there was at least one Trumper who was real into that. (There is no need to click that link, but if you do, just look at the headline and picture at the top and then leave it there.)
Frankly, I would have to imagine that this accusation operates on the “she who smelt it, dealt it” principle, because only someone who wants to drink baby blood would accuse others of wanting to drink baby blood.
That being said, if Roseanne were simply playing a character here, it actually wouldn’t be the world’s worst audition for Sunset Boulevard. And hey! There is probably some alternate timeline in which she never went off the rails entirely, stayed awesome and killed it in a remake of the movie (not the musical, we don’t need to hear even Good Roseanne sing). Because I have to admit, as much as I don’t like her, she isn’t half bad at pulling off that hat. Sadly, this is who she actually is now and who she will likely remain until she gets dragged off to prison for shooting a screenwriter and leaving him dead in her pool.
PREVIOUSLY: