Yes, an earthquake in New Jersey definitely means we are all going to die very soon, but let me tell you something about a 4.8 shaky-shaker: It’s kind of fun. Sometimes stuff falls down, but nothing major breaks, mostly! Today, this exact type of groovy little ass-grindin’ moment for Mama Earth occurred on the East Coast, with its center in my traditionally Republican homeland of Hunterdon County, New Jersey! Is the earth screaming out against the volume of evidence that the country actually wants abortion rights and reproductive freedom? Yes.
As a good depressed anti-abortion secretly queer Catholic child growing up in that very region, I always knew the sign of the end times would arrive near the site of all my sinful friends’ first kisses and fingerblasts.
I wasn’t there today, because as a glamorous middle-aged bicoastal pansexual, I live on the shores of Lake Michigan and near the local county reservoir back in the Jerz (no dead bodies found in a minute!) But having been through a tiny baby earthquake in New Jersey years back, plus various earthquakes in Los Angeles (they have more because they have more liberals), I have learned that the not-so-big earthquakes are vastly preferable to your hurricanes, your tornadoes, your wildfires, and even your ice storms.
Watching the social media posts roll in, I was SHOCKED and AWED when I saw that Hunterdon County itself was today’s Quakin’ Queen. It’s truly the biggest piece of news we’ve had since racist eugenics fan and flyboy Chuck Lindbergh was locally featured in the Trial of the Century (one of like 100 trials of said century) when his child was tragically kidnapped and murdered by … well, as per this article last month in the NY Times, we simply don’t know for sure!
What we do know is that the Lindbergh baby trial was marked by rampant xenophobia, something that still mars a county that leans MAGA, with a grotesque 50.96 percent of the vote going to Trump in the 2020 general election. I was pleasantly shocked that over 46% of the vote went to Joe Biden that year, which tells you something about my low expectations. That was truly more surprising than today’s 4.8 earthquake.
I mean, have there been other media moments featuring Hunterdon County, NJ? Sure. Notably, New Jersey Dictator-for-Life Bruce Springsteen’s keyboardist Danny Federici (RIP) was from Hunterdon County.
Also, some of my little high school friends are in very nice hardcore and punk bands that did well in the ‘00s and beyond, and they started in Hunterdon County, and you are WELCOME, Warped Tour.
Also, we used to have a cool dirt racetrack where my mom briefly worked at the chicken frying shack, and sometimes the races would be on local or regional TV, but it got knocked down to build the Wal-mart, so that bit of razzle dazzle was short-lived.
Anyway, today there was an earthquake there, in a county that is overwhelmingly white but still far more diverse (ethnically and even ideologically) than it was when I was growing up. Diversity is the reason for earthquakes, New York City will surely fall down because of this, good riddance to all liberals, the end.
P.S. This is my favorite track off “Cowboy Carter” and I listen to it every morning, and I wish I’d been in NJ listening to it because it really would make an earthquake fun, don’t you think? I have seen her once in concert, IN NEW JERSEY. This has nothing to do with the above topic, I just want you to have a nice weekend.
Giving Wonkette money makes you feel good too, and then you would have a nice weekend as well but it is not even the weekend yet, don’t know what Sara’s on about this time.