Hello and Happy Weekend!
Today, you have likely gleaned from the headline up there, would have been noted Christian tract auteur Jack Chick’s 100th birthday, had he not died in 2016. Although the reclusive artist was clearly a person with some very disturbing beliefs and ideas about the world, I do feel I owe him a bit of a debt for some very hilarious times had in high school doing dramatic readings of his comics. Which, at that time, I did not fully grasp were things that people besides this one nutty guy making weird comics actually believed.
So let’s take a look back at some of my favorite moments, shall we? This panel, from the classic apocalyptic text The Beast, is one that has lived rent-free in my head for actual decades at this point. (If the alt text continues being weird, here is a link to a YouTube of the comic, cued up to the panel I’m talking about!)
Now, this panel of our post-apocalyptic future shows a bunch of townsfolk (whom I assume are meant to be heathens like myself and maybe you) tracking down people who buy things without the mark of the beast and beheading them with a giant portable guillotine. At the bottom it says “Martyrdom is now the price of salvation.”
Is this what people actually believe? If so I find it to be a pretty big imposition! Like, these people want to get to heaven and hang out with Jesus and all their friends who were just a little bit more holy than they were who got raptured in the first wave, and the only way they have to get up there is for us to really, really care about whether or not they have the mark of the beast and to behead them for trying to buy stuff without it? They’re gonna be shit out of luck. They will have to martyr each other because I, for one, do not believe in the death penalty and also get a little woozy at the sight of blood.
I am also a very big fan of “Bewitched?” the tale that starts out being about Satan’s great love of “Bewitched” reruns but somehow turns into the story of Ashley, a 16-year-old runaway who has had all the sex and done “LSD — mixed with speed!” like 60 times and even goes to a psychic medium to get in touch with her dead mom.
I’m just gonna drop the video here, narrated by some guy who seems to have a head cold or is otherwise dealing with some sinus issues.
SPOILER ALERT: Ashley has a Grandma who loves Jesus and convinces her to also love Jesus before she dies from LSD flashbacks, which are a thing!
“Angels?” follows the misadventures of a Christian Rock band called the Green Angels (is it a Jesus thing that I don’t get?) who sell out to an agent cleverly named Lew Siffer, and he makes them huge successes with songs that have amazing lyrics like “We’re gonna Rock, Rock, Rock, Rock with the ROCK!” and “Embrace me, love of death!”
Naturally, none of these really work out for most of them! Specifically, “Bobby died of AIDS, Jim OD’d and Don is into Vampirism,” leaving the last guy, named Tom, to accept Jesus as his savior and go around telling people that they have to crucify their own flesh, which I’m sure is a Christian thing but I’m scared to Google.
As a side note, I’m not certain, but I suspect that Jack Chick may think that vampires are real?
Another personal favorite is Fairy Tale? in which parents telling a child about the Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny leads to MURDER and some other very bad crimes that land him on the Most Wanted List, right next to Osama Bin Laden.
And yet, Chick does not seem to be entirely anti-Santa — as his most beloved recurring character, Li’l Susy, dresses up as Santa when her evil, evolution-loving, LGBTQ-friendly liberal teacher, Ms. Henn, tells all the kids they have to dress up for Halloween.
In another Li’l Susy tract, Ms. Henn brings in some GAY DENTISTS who are crawling with demons and the one with a mustache has a demon with a mustache, because that is how all of that works.
Naturally, Li’l Susy explains to everyone that gay people are evil and tells them the story about Sodom and Gomorrah, except for the part where Lot offers his daughters to the townsfolk to rape.
You know what? You’re all getting a video of this one, too. Because honestly … there’s a lot there.
I could probably go on about these for much longer, but I won’t. You’re welcome.
Have you been struck with a sudden urge to shower us with money and jewels? If so, we are on Substack now so you can just go ahead and click subscribe!
Or if you’d just like to donate just once …
You can also join our Patreon, or buy our merch, or do your Amazon shopping through our link. Or we’re now partnered with Martie, where you can buy snacks!
You can even send us paper checks to:
Wonkette
PO Box 38273
Detroit MI 48238
Talk amongst yourselves!