Let us all take a moment to laugh at the latest mowed-down detritus clinging to the underside of Donald Trump’s clown bus, John C. Eastman.
Oh, you remember him, vaguely resembling an un-sexy Wallace Shawn, fond of accessorizing with scarves, and the main architect of the Trump coup plot. It was his bright idea that what the Electoral Count Act of 1887 really says is that a vice president can just throw out electoral votes because he feels like it, man, a theory he pushed coast to coast, over and over, even while rioters were storming the Capitol, and after. He even puzzled Laura Ingraham with his not-shutting-upness, going on her show after he was indicted to confess that he only wanted to delay the certification a little bit, so does that even count?
For all his trouble he got indicted in Georgia, force-retired from Chapman Law School where he was dean within minutes after January 6, and now it seems his lawyerin’ days are about done too. Turns out that repeatedly pleading the Fifth in your own disbarment hearing is not a good look, and after 35 days, 23 witnesses and more than 400 exhibits, the California Bar Court concluded the obvious, that he’s a lying liar with the morals of a hound dog in heat.
As a former law school dean, he should have known better. In fact, he did know better, a fact he helpfully put in writing many, many times, and brazenly related to multiple witnesses.
According to the House January 6 Select Committee, he admitted in a December 19, 2020, email that “the fake electors had no legal weight—referring to them as dead on arrival in Congress.”
Vice President Mike Pence’s lawyer Greg Jacob, whom Eastman repeatedly dogged, testified that “he initially said maybe we’d only lose seven to two [at the Supreme Court], but ultimately acknowledged that, no, we would lose nine to nothing.”
Trump and Roodles also rang up more than 300 state legislators, trying to get them to convene special legislative sessions to replace legitimate Biden electors with the bootleg Trump electors who were sucker enough to buy that there was so real fraud, and Rudy and Eastman are about to produce evidence any minute now! It’s just so super secret we can’t even show you!
Even while rioters were smearing poop on the Capitol walls, Eastman kept pushing the fakakta notion: “The Senate and House have both violated the Electoral Count Act this evening – they debated the Arizona objections for more than two hours. […] So now that the precedent has been set that the Electoral Count Act is not quite so sacrosanct as was previously claimed, I ask for you to consider one more relatively minor violation and adjourn for 10 days to allow the legislatures to finish their investigations, as well as to allow a full forensic audit of the massive amount of illegal activity that has occurred here.”
Replied Jacob, “Thanks to your bullshit we are now under siege.”
Huffed Eastman in reply, as Capitol police were being gassed and beaten with flagpoles, “the ‘siege’ is because YOU and your boss did not do what was necessary to allow this to be aired in a public way so the American people can see for themselves what happened!”
Then he slapped on a jaunty hat and paisley scarf and ran outside to speak to the “Save America” rally on the Washington Ellipse, rambling on about dead voters and boxes of secret folders of votes being fed into machines, before retreating to the Willard Hotel, where we imagine he sipped on a refreshing mint julep.
However, conveniently for the January 6 committee and the courts, Eastman used his Chapman email address for his premeditated criming, and the law school quickly turned his missives over to anyone who was asking.
“I’ve decided that I should be on the pardon list, if that is still in the works,” he later pathetically brown-nosed to Trump. But, never one to do a co-conspirator a solid, Trump issued 143 pardons and Eastman’s wasn’t one of them. LOL.
How badly did the bar hearing go? Eastman’s own constitutional law expert testified that he believed Biden won the election “fair and square” and that Pence “was on unassailable ground when he said that he had ‘no right to overturn the election.’” Eastman’s expert was ruled to not be an expert at all, but a CPA who knows nothing about elections and wrote an ebook about how Biden is terrible. And surprise, surprise, Eastman’s evidence turned out to be some made-up shit. “It was okay to delay the certification because people were worried about election security because we told them lies about election security” might work as logic for Fox viewers, but it doesn’t fly in front of an actual Judge.
As that judge, Yvette Roland put it in a 128-page ruling that put Eastman to “involuntary inactive status” pending review by the California supreme court:
Eastman’s inaccurate assertions were lies that cannot be justified as zealous advocacy. Eastman failed to uphold his primary duty of honesty and breached his ethical obligations by presenting falsehoods to bolster his legal arguments. Finally, the court notes that acts of moral turpitude are a departure from professional norms and are unequivocally outside the realm of protection afforded by the First Amendment and the obligation of vigorous advocacy.
Bummer for Reps. Matt Gaetz and Marjorie Taylor Greene, who retained the big brained legal genius to represent them in their lawsuits against the cities of Anaheim and Riverside for canceling their “America First” rallies in 2021.
Anyway! Eastman’s children are now out here in an “open letter” comparing him to Jesus on the cross being persecuted by the “woke mind virus” and begging for money, and it is hilarious. “While it may seem a little heavy-handed to compare the work of Eastman and others to the passion and death of Jesus Christ, a little reflection can make clear the connections.”
Poetically, the disbarment goes into effect after three days, unless a stay is requested and issued. Because the ruling was issued on Wednesday, those three days will be during the Holy Triduum: Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday. In years past, Eastman would often be found in church during the Triduum, praying the stations of the cross and contemplating the death and resurrection of our Lord. This year, he will be locked in his office, furiously reading the 128-page decision and helping to draft the motion to stay the order while his appeal proceeds.
Being Jesus on the cross means you don’t have much use of your arms for furious drafting, but never mind. Was it Jesus who said “nonstop lying is fine, if you’re doing it to make a buck”? Maybe we are confusing Him with Trump.
Next up for Eastman, trial in Georgia, where he faces nine counts: two of conspiracy to commit forgery in the first degree, two of conspiracy to commit false statements and writings, and some more charges of conspiracy to commit filing false documents and filing them.
No date for that one yet, but we’re tuning up our sad trombone.