What with all his money disappearing into court judgments and lawyers’ fees, and small-dollar donors abandoning him like allegorical creatures from a sinking metaphor, Donald Trump is short on cash. He has to wait six months before he can start milking the profits (if any) from his tiny stupid (but very well-capitalized, for now) social media platform Truth Social, and his ugly $399 sneakers are all sold out (we’ll have to wait to see if any are actually delivered to buyers). Oh, and he’s still running for president in between court appearances. So what can he do to boost revenue? How about the Greatest Grift of All: Religion?
We guess maybe a 900-foot-tall vision of Jesus must have told Trump that he couldn’t go wrong fleecing Believers, because yesterday, Trump posted a video to his Twitter knockoff letting followers know that for just $59.99, they could purchase a very special “God Bless the USA Bible,” inspired by the only Lee Greenwood song anyone can name. Trump uses the song at all his rallies, and even has Greenwood’s permission to do so. If you’re a masochist, here’s the vid, courtesy of Greenwood himself, who of course agrees buying a Trump Bible is the perfect way to “KICK OFF HOLY WEEK LEADING INTO EASTER,” the day when the Holy Savior’s campaign may Rise Again.
It’s not every day you get the chance to buy a Bible from a man who has violated as many of the Ten Commandments as Donald Trump has. He even manages some Bearing False Witness in the video, claiming “All Americans need a Bible in their home, and I have many. It’s my favorite book!”
Or maybe that’s not a lie; his deluded disciples have no doubt sent him a bunch of the things, and there’s no law requiring that anyone has to have read a book to say it’s their favorite.
The pricy large-print Bible includes not only the King James Version of the holy text, but also the King James Versions of the US Constitution, Declaration of Independence, and Pledge of Allegiance, because if you’re self-publishing public domain stuff, the sky’s the limit. And since Greenwood’s involved in the deal, it also includes a “handwritten chorus” of his hit song, according to the website.
The site’s FAQ also assures us that this is the ONLY Bible endorsed by Trump, and by Greenwood as well, that it’s available only in the KJV translation (although the site refrains from saying all others are blasphemous), and that it “includes the words of Jesus in red.” Passages in which God actually blesses the USA are no doubt also highlighted in blue, or vermillion, or possibly octarine.
All sales are final, but you can get a replacement if yours is damaged in shipping. No refunds on personalized Bibles, either. There’s also this intriguing item in the FAQ:
Oh, that. They all do that. It’s the gilding on the page edges and the site includes a helpful YouTube link for dealing with sticky pages in your Bible. We’d have assumed a Trump Bible would be gilt-free.
There’s also a very carefully written disclaimer saying that heavens no, you aren’t funding the Trump campaign, silly! (If the Bibles were premiums for campaign contributions, only citizens could get them, for starters.) Instead, we’re assured that
GodBlessTheUSABible.com is not political and has nothing to do with any political campaign. GodBlessTheUSABible.com is not owned, managed or controlled by Donald J. Trump, The Trump Organization, CIC Ventures LLC or any of their respective principals or affiliates.
But there’s also this: The Bible and sales website do use “Donald J. Trump’s name, likeness and image under paid license from CIC Ventures LLC,” which the AP explains is the same company that licensed Trump’s visage and name to “45Footwear,” the company selling the ugly sneakers. No, Trump spokespeople didn’t respond to the AP’s inquiries about how much Trump will get from the licensing deal, or from each Bible. NBC News notes that “Trump’s 2023 financial disclosure shows he has made more than $5 million in speaking engagements through CIC Ventures.”
Finally, let’s all recall this other great Bible Moment for Trump, the photo-op after he sent federal officers to rough up racial justice protesters and drive them out of Lafayette Park so he could walk from the White House and do a photo op with his favorite book that he’s never read.
Know what I’d forgotten? The 23-second mark, when a reporter asked Trump, “Is that your Bible?” he replied “A Bible.” With the intonation.
PREVIOUSLY!
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